middle june thing
i didn't want to make this an entire thread on Bluesky, so I'm just going to mention this on my Bear Blog.
this isn't a review of a game, it's just me pouring out my thoughts regarding myself and my times with being on the internet as well as additional things.
I think I'm better off leaving the Internet and never looking back. this month really had me....thinking(?) about my times in this space, and how much it decreased in positivity over time.
i remember asking my friends to do things and we would be having a blast. playing modded terraria, playing retro games, and doing various kinds of activities that kept me occupied while I was doing things during college, high school, or even outside of those boundaries, like during the summer. it was incredible, and it kept me feeling pretty excited about my surroundings and appreciaring every aspect of the time I've had. but, as time grew by. I just... stoped asking my friends to do these things, and I don't know why.
I think its just because of my anxiety crawling up through me again. nothing's stopping me from doing the same thing again, but at times I just... feel like it's going to be declined automatically? I know people have jobs and lives and they aren't always active, but even in the case that they have time available, I just don't feel compelled to ask if they wanted to do things with me. and I also feel like i would just be wasting their time at the end of the day.
I remember having this whole idea lf playing my favorite retro games with my friends with parsec, but now? I don't even think about doing it because I fear that I don't think they'll enjoy playing it, with how it feels like I'm just forcing them to do things with me. i really don't know how they feel, and what to think about this at the very end.
worst part is that it isn't exclusive to this month. when terraria 1.4.5 came out, two friends immediately invited me to play with them .it went fine at first, and after getting called to do something, i just... didn't want to continue. the same people were also ones ive been doing a Dungeons and Dragons Scession with them, something that I've haven't done since my times in scouting, and I just..... dipped, cause I lost interest. I don't even engage with them much anymore, just like all of the other users I've met throughout my life other than their presences in other places I share with them, and it's strange too considering I no longer want to get rid of them because of the fear that they might never come back. of course if they don't, it was never meant to be, but every time that've happened thus far, they haven't came back! it got me thinking if it's ever meant for me to be friends with others?
every person and place ive met that I introduce myself to them, there's always something that prevents it from being great. and it varies heavily on the situation but the natural ground is that it would be dead silence with no messages sent for weeks or months before the occasional hi or good morning. meanwhile for people that come to me, it actually is a worthy and extremely exciting experience engaging with them and doing things together! it's a shame that Everytime I try to introduce myself to others, it doesnt end out well, and this also plays into how I don't want to interact on the Internet anymore, that it would be better off with me.
I dislike this. I dislike talking about this a lot. it feels as if the anxiety trains never stop. if there's one thing I continue to regurgitate every now and then, it's friendship. my entire life Ive never been able to grasp the true meeting of friendships because throughout my life, I've been bullied constantly: both in person and online. and after many years of coming out of the danger zone, I'm still struggling. not in the sense that everyone i meet are bullies, but how it just feels.... weird. I don't even know how tod describe it without someone reading this and potentially antagonizing me for this, which has happened to me on multiple occasions. if anything I say that's on this level is something that's worth criticism that feels more like an insult, why bother saying it in the first place?
and what's worse, is that Everytime I mention a fraction of it into the places I'm in (most notably Bluesky and Discord), it seems that it's just speaking into an empty void whee it won't be reached by anyone, as if my feelings about what I'm going are nothing but scribble scrabble. i don't know how I'm supposed to deal with this, but I really need to start hoping that my random mood spikes can bring me back together cause I miss doing things with friends.
to think this all started with the smaller activity spike that I was having with Bluesky, followed by some of the messages I've sent in my favorite Discord servers being outright ignored and forgotten about... im starting to think that I don't need Bluesky and Twitter anymore. discord I still need because of my contact with my sister and brother, but with the micro blogging websites, they're just too much. I doubt that anyone there will really care since I didn't have any of them come ask what happened as to why I've deactivated at least my blue sky a couple of times throughout the year. Who knows, maybe they might, but I highly believe that nothing will really show up.
I'm just going to put this on my blog and see what happens. I don't expect for anything to happen but like the usual saying: who knows.